After my husband suffered a catastrophic stroke in 2005, the holidays didn’t seem so merry.
I found myself yearning for our life before Don became paralyzed from the neck down and had to use a respirator to breathe. Everything about the holiday season seemed to emphasize how our old life was gone and how our present reality was nothing either of us had wanted.
After a parent or grandparent becomes disabled, how will a child react? We recently did a piece that offered advice from LA-based psychologist Bonnie Berman on how to talk to children about disability.
This was something I worried about after Don became sick—how will my grandchildren react when they see Don on a respirator and moving in a wheelchair for the first time?
When a parent or grandparent has a stroke or other sudden health incident and has become fully or partially disabled, talking to children about it can be a delicate endeavor. The task can be especially challenging if the beloved adult no longer communicates or moves as s/he once did. How should this conversation be approached and what words should a caring adult use? I sat down with Los Angeles-based psychologist Dr. Bonnie Berman to get insights into the best approach.
The following is a Q&A with Suzanne A., a Southern California-based caregiver and recent Kathi Koll Foundation recipient.
Suzanne is a caregiver to her husband Gil, who suffered multiple strokes and is now a paraplegic. With Gil unable to work, Suzanne works part-time to support them.
In our work with caregivers, one of the issues we see all the time is the challenge that people have in accepting their new lives. Their spouse may now be partially disabled or have a long recovery road ahead of them and their life is 180 degrees different than it was. When they talk about some of the difficulties they’re experiencing, there’s a frequent undertone of longing that their life will return to ‘normal’ at some point.
The holidays can be stressful under ideal circumstances,
The holidays can be a tough time of year, particularly for caregivers. There are more activities and expectations, and you are supposed to be happy because, hey, it’s the holidays! But that’s just not the reality for many people. But, as I have learned, when you’re caring for a loved one, it’s even more important to take time to enjoy the season.
With National Stroke Awareness Month coming to a close, I wanted to send a friendly reminder to everyone about the signs and symptoms of stroke.
Last week, I met a woman whose husband suffered a serious health incident. She was in the process of setting up long-term care options for him and shared how difficult it was to locate all of his legal and medical documents, some of which were now lost.
We all experience feelings of guilt from time or time. As caregivers, we can feel guilty about leaving the patient alone for too long or for taking time to ourselves. Patients can feel guilty about asking for help or for even needing help in the first place.
Coping with guilt can be tough but I have discovered some effective tools for dealing with it from author and psychology researcher Dr. John Grohol, Psy.D., that have helped me move on more quickly.
I’ve found most helpful in supporting those at the end-of-life is to focus on them and what they want, without judgment. It’s important to meet the patient where they’re at – physically, emotionally and spiritually.
One of the greatest gifts you can give a loved one at the end-of-life is the gift of presence. Doing so can be one of the most loving and supportive acts you can take to make the transition easier and more peaceful for them.
Many Blessings,
Kathi Koll